Throughout
life I have somehow ended up with the worst boyfriends a parent could ever
imagine their daughter having. How did this happen? I really thought I was
going to end up with the Ryan Gosling kind of guy that would make my momma
proud. Instead, I ended up with “that guy” my mother couldn’t stand to even
look at. It’s comical when I look back on it now. I fell madly deeply in love
with every boyfriend I ever had. I was loyal to a fault while they were the
exact opposite, cheaters extroidinaire. I don’t even know why I found them so
completely irresistible. Not a single one had ever graduated high school nor
held a job for more than six months. And yet I loved them with all my heart and
soul. Aaaaah, young love. It is the best and the worst all wrapped up in one
jacked up box of hormones. I remember writing on my folders and journals that
I, Angalee, will love so and so FOREVER AND EVER! At the time I believed that loving
that guy forever and ever was really this thing that I would do.
Yet, it was always me who ended these romantic
adventures filled with lust, love, friendship, and cheating, jealousy, low self-esteem….you
get the picture. It usually only took somewhere between four and nine years to
figure out that this wasn’t going to be the guy I’d spend the rest of eternity
with. Actually, when I look back on these “love abusers” of my past, I knew
right away that they weren’t “the one.” To be quite honest, I am just now
starting to get a decent picture of what “the one” might look like, act like,
think like and treat me like. But at that time when I was at my most giving
with my love, I chose those egomaniacs to waste it on.
Which brings me back to, How
did this happen? Why did I waste so much of my sweet, sexy, youthful love on
these males that I knew from the beginning were not going to return the same affections?
Unfortunately, I think the answer lies somewhere in co-dependency and low
self-esteem mixed with a huge hope for what you wish someone will turn out to
be. On a brighter note, I think it also lies in the midst of something like
forever and ever actually existing. My grandparents were married at the age of
eighteen and nineteen and they stayed together their entire lives. It does
actually happen sometimes. I guess when
we find that one person we truly can see ourselves spending our entire lives
with from start to finish, through thick and thin, we just know it. That must
be why people say “you will just know.”
I have yet for that knowing to hit me like a
truck out of nowhere, but I am optimistically waiting. I know what the great “love
abuser” looks like when I see him and I can say I am finally no longer attracted
to him, it only took about twenty-five years but I did get there.
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