Its like all of the sudden, no matter how long you have been clean, that one day you wake up and everything in the last time frame of sobriety, holds no weight in your decision making. Its as if that time didn't even exist and your right back where you were five, ten, twenty years prior.
There are times when I catch myself being so vulnerable to the idea of using again, its scary. I wish I could say that enough time has passed that I don't think of using anymore, but that would be a lie. A tragic lie to myself and anyone else listening.
Maybe its similar to when people wake up one day and change their entire style. or when someone suddenly cuts off all their hair or gets a huge tattoo that everyone can see a mile away. Once you do it there is really no going back. Like, what the hell were you thinking man???
And there is no real answer. Maybe because I wanted too, I felt like it, I'm trying to make a statement, I thought I'd do something different, I was bored, I want attention etc.
Sometimes after you relapse, you just want to beat the shit outta yourself, because you yourself don't even know why you did it. You didn't see it coming, it just happened, and now here you are. It's like when you ask the little kid why he shaved the dog, or why he jumped off the roof. He just looks at you and shrugs his shoulders with the "I don't know" expression all over his face.
Ya know, I wish I could say that addiction is easily overcome and sobriety is easily held but that's bullshit. It's not.
It's a fucking pain in my ass and I hate it. It's the dumbest thing I ever did and the hardest thing to keep from doing again. I know the consequences that would undoubtedly come if I chose to get high again, but some days that doesn't even matter. It's like the devil knocking on your door. You knew he was coming so you left the door open just a little. What did you expect would happen?
Then, before I destroy my entire fucking life in a split second, I take a moment to breathe. And to remember where the last time I thought this way got me. And I look at my kids. I do know where this story ends....I know for a fact.
And so I close the gap in the door. I remember why they say addiction is powerful and cunning. I feel like a complete jack-ass. And yet, it's okay because I understand myself just a tiny bit more than I did one day ago.
